No Winning In War
by Rainstorm Amaya Arianrhod
Summary: Neal fought two battles that day: one against soldiers on behalf of his country and one against death on behalf of the wounded. Evin was around to see the aftermath. Warning! angsty!Neal, slight ME, Evincentric. Oneshot.


**A/N:** Happy birthday, Gemmy (aka Merrybeans.)

**Disclaimer:** I own _nothing_.

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"The best that can be said for that mess is that we won," Miri remarked bitterly.

Her commander nodded. "I'm pretty sure you saved a lot of lives. We were tied down there in the middle, and you brought your lot down on their weaker flank."

Miri said nothing in reply to that comment, but her mouth twisted in disgust at some officers' actions. The actions that had necessitated the Rider reserves' intervention when they were supposed to be standing by. "Evin, I'm going to go away, or I'll drink too much. I'll see you later." She finished her drink, nodded at the silent knight sat beside Evin, and left.

"You're wrong," Neal said flatly.

"Excuse me?" Evin enquired, startled. Neal hadn't spoken a single word since he'd come in from the infirmary, long after the rest of his shift had left because he would entrust returning Keladry of Mindelan to a state of fitness in which she could heal to full health to no-one else. So tired, so drained, and yet his wife had taken one look at him and decided that now was not the time to cosset. She was probably right. Yukimi of Queenscove was a wise woman.

But now he spoke, and Evin was not entirely sure he understood him. "You're wrong," Neal repeated in the same flat tone. "She saved no lives, your Group Leader."

"What, Miri? But-"

"There is no winning in war," Neal stated, and looked into his tankard. He wasn't drunk yet. He would be soon.

"What happened to cheerfully sarcastic Squire N-"

"_He grew up_!"

Evin was silent, wondering if he should fetch Domitan of Masbolle to take Neal away and make him get some sleep. Or better yet, Yuki. Something of this must have shown in his eyes, because Neal said: "Both practically welded to Kel. Don't bother."

"The Group Leader saved no lives," the healer-knight persisted. "The toll of death and injury is the same as it would have been if she had acted otherwise. Higher, perhaps. You see, she forced the Tusaini against the Tortallan group, where they killed all the more for the knowing that they would die."

"It was her duty to try and save her countrymen," Evin reminded him, feeling slightly sickened.

"Besides, what's war?" Neal continued. "Nothing but death, and where is the winning in death? Healers know that. Knights don't."

"Which are you, then?"

Neal closed his eyes, and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Lady Alanna shoved open the double doors into the messhall, and snapped "Queenscove!", attracting everyone's attention.

Neal's eyes opened again, his mouth shut, and his eyes slid sideways towards Lady Alanna. "Yeeees?" he drawled in a flat tone.

"Queenscove, you're done for today and probably tomorrow as well. Get out of my sight and back to your rooms," she ordered.

Evin thought that was good advice, and he stood and went to put his own tankard away. He desperately needed sleep, and he was sure Neal was worse off. He poked Neal in the back. "You heard the lady knight, Neal."

"I did," Neal sighed, and looked quite firmly rooted to his seat.

"_Queenscove_," Alanna growled dangerously. Evin was struck by a sudden impression that she was putting on a show. An exaggerated Alanna of Pirate's Swoop. He shuddered at the thought. "_Go_."

Neal looked up at her and caught her eye. He looked stubborn, and Evin didn't dare step between them for fear of being burnt to death by the battle of wills taking place. But Neal stood up abruptly, and he went. Still standing straight and tall, but grim weariness in every single movement. No wonder he had spoken so.

Lady Alanna watched him go, and when Evin passed through the double doors she walked away from the hall as well. "Larse." she said unexpectedly after a few moments. He stopped, surprised, and looked down at her. There was a crease between the famous purple eyes as they stared up at him; it was either because he was standing in front of the sun, or because she was anxious about something. "I'm sorry you had to witness that."

"I-" he began, uncomfortable.

"Shut up and let me speak, Larse," Alanna instructed him with the usual snap to her voice, more normal than her unexpectedly gentle tone earlier.

"Yes ma'am."

"Good. Healers have grim moods after battle, moods that aren't representative of their usual thoughts. You just have to put up with them, and not speak of them."

"So he doesn't-" Evin tried.

"No. He means every word he's said," Alanna told him. "That's why I'm going to tell you to do what I'm going to tell you to do now."

Evin waited patiently, wishing Miri was here to look after him as she would, to make him eat something, to make him get some sleep, to tell him –to tell herself, too, if they were honest- that it was all over and he –they- could stop fighting. He saw the lady knight's eyes narrow.

"Forget the conversation you had with Neal. And do it soon, for the sake of his sanity and yours. Gods only know the pair of you had little enough of it to begin with."

Then she was gone.


End file.
